choosing joy is hard

Six months into my word and I am almost, almost ready to give it up. My life wasn’t easy and it mold me in a way that I tend to be pessimistic when things don’t go my way. I am impatient. It’s a flaw that led me to decisions I made in the past that I never really thought of the consequences later on. I knew that kind of attitude will make choosing joy a struggle but I never thought it will be this difficult.

For years of doing this, it was the first time I felt my word is draining me, stressing me out in levels I don’t want to go back to. Just like my previous words, there are times that you’ll forget it, that it would somehow take a backseat. With all the changes and things happening in my life, I lost track of my word. I lost the battle of choosing joy when things get tough—when I could choose joy but I did not.

What happened last night made me ask myself two hefty questions, what the hell am I doing? Why am I not choosing joy? To give myself a little credit, I’d say that the events the past months weren’t easy, it was far from the life I thought was right for me back in 2016. The last few months were hard. They were life changing. They made me see the mistakes I did in the past and it made me think of forgiveness, of mending burned bridges, of what happens now. It made me question, why only now? All I want is to find joy, why is life making it so damn difficult? In the midst of all the chaos, I forgot my word. It was so easy to let the days just go by, be a bitch and ruin everyone’s day because mine is not going as planned. It was easy to forget joy than choose it.

So were would this lead me now?

I’m not giving up. I have to remember and constantly remind myself that joy is not a feeling, it’s a choice that has to be made. It’s not just happiness. It’s a battle to let not pessimism get the day. It’s the courage to find joy when things get harsh. When it gets too much, I have to remember to choose joy in His name.

A friend had this word a few years ago and she did tell me that joy is like this. She shared to me this quote from her favorite blogger:

Delighted, overjoyed – we so often mistake those words for happy, or, more honestly, for naively cheerful or optimistic. We think that if we name those adjectives, we’re making it sound like we (or God or both) aren’t taking hurt seriously. That we have missed suffering. That we have lost sight of the ache of the world and are applying a pink band-aid to the gaping wounds.

But it is the work of delight and joy to come close to suffering, even closer than the so-called serious realism. It is through joy, not cynicism, that we approach the unspeakably difficult.

Because joy and delight are not happy feelings: they are the choices to let love win. They are the choice to trust love triumphant. Joy is a choice to believe God when He calls what He has made very good, and a choice to draw near to that very good world in its ache and terror and sadness.

I’m letting love win, to trust love triumphant. The first half of 2017 is over. In just a couple of months we’ll be counting the days before the year ends and I decided I won’t let my word go away anymore. There will be days it will be difficult. I would have to make the conscious effort of not letting hardships to get the best of me.

For the second time this year, I’m choosing joy. And I’m keeping it.

– wl, a

all i have are questions

I was trying to write questions of why’s, how’s, and whatnot’s on why people still choose love when it didn’t work out in the past when suddenly the truth hit me that maybe what I needed is to love myself first, again. Had I not told myself that phrase a thousand times? Have I not tried? Am I really being hard on myself?

Can I love without expectation? Without demanding someone of their time? Should I let myself feel okay or dimiss whatever I am feeling when the other person wants you only to call when they have time? When they are free? Am I just a go to person when it’s convenient?

I know there is a difference between finding time from having time and making time. I make time. Don’t I deserve the same? Should I content myself with when they have time? Is it right to ask these questions? Am in the wrong for asking them that? For their undivided attention on a certain time of the day? Am I being too demanding?

For once I just want to feel important, is that too much to ask? I am not asking them to revolve their world around me because that’s a serious bullshit. I am only asking for time, not when they have the time, when they can find the time, but to make the time. I honestly feel pathetic reading what I wrote. It feels like I am begging, for an hour of their day, a text, a reply, an email, a chat, to say hi or I’m on my way, or just take care or have a nice day. It feels like, really, I am begging for attention, for care, for love–and that feels like crap.

I’ll ask again, am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe, I am the one who has a problem? Am I asking for too much? Oh my, this is tiring. Asking questions without getting answers is tiring but all I have now are those, questions I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answers to. It brings me back to the classic saying, “kung gusto maraming paraan, kung ayaw maraming dahilan.” And that doubles the crappiness I feel right now, for real. Face palm.

-wl, a.

P.S. Sometimes I really hate travelling for hours. It makes you think of a lot things you would normally not think about.

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all over the place

i am sorry if i’m getting on your nerves. i hate myself too when i get so irritating and uncaring and mean. especially lately. when my hormones is all over the place. i know it feels as if it’s an excuse but it is what it is. the mini pill is a bitch. and so was i. words can’t tell you enough how remorseful i am for being this way. for feeling this way. for feeling unwanted. so i snapped because, like you, i was afraid, i was anxious, i was angry. i am not myself. i am not like this. and it takes an ample of self-awareness to see that. to accept that i am on the wrong. is the pill to blame? partly. you might not believe it but i couldn’t explain why i am so moody these days. why i feel depressed and anxious and easily angered, with or without a reason. i’m sorry for screwing your head. if i made you feel whatever you are feeling right now. i know deep within me, i am not like this. only now. i hope after i get my hormones back to normal, i’ll get back to my normal self too. though you have to remember, i am not perfect. i am complicated, unpredictable, unreasonable and irrational at times. i am a difficult person to love. and like you, i am afraid  someday you’ll get fed up and just give up. i don’t always express my feelings. i don’t always tell you how important you are. how you’ve become a permanent part of my life. in case you don’t know it yet, you are. and a lot more.

sunday currently | 03

weekends are for Flamie

My weekends, specially Sundays, lately are spent with my daughter. I’m in Manila on weekdays then I travel to Pangasinan every Friday or early morning (as in wee hours) on Saturday so I can be with my daughter on my rest days. If you think a couple’s LDR is hard, triple the feeling and that is how difficult to be far from your child. I’m lucky I still have my weekends and holidays to be with her but what about those who work overseas?

Kudos to all moms who make every kind of sacrifices for their kids. We all deserve a good Sunday.

CURRENTLY

Reading Rebel of the Sands by Alwyn Hamilton. I started reading this a few days ago after I read A Court of Mist and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas. I got sidetracked reading it this weekend because I’m on babysitting duty which is expected because Flamie only wants mommy and mommy and mommy.

Writing whatever comes to my mind these days. I need to write.

Listening to Adele’s All I Ask and Ariana Grande’s Almost is Never Enough and a whole lot more. Check and follow my playlist on Spotify here.

Watching  Goblin, a Korean drama starring Gong Yoo from the series Coffee Prince years ago and he hasn’t aged a bit. I am actually so late in watching Korean dramas again since I couldn’t find the time to do it before. Of course, I watch this in between seeing Baby TV shows, Masha and the Bear and Baby Jake episodes and the occasional nursery rhymes. I wonder when will I add Pippa Pig on this list. Probably, never.

Thinking of where the hell can we find a nanny who will last. Ugh. Will this be my problem for the rest of the year? We had 3 nannies (going on 4) since January and it’s not half the year yet!

Smelling the little girl who smells like baby powder.

Wishing I could spend more time with my daughter, live with her again if I could.

Hoping for a job opening on the site where I want to transfer soon or start a home based job which will allow me to be with my daughter all day.

Wearing a mommy get up, if there is one.

Needing more patience and hope and peace of mind.

Feeling tired yet okay, not overjoyed but fine. I’m okay even if sometimes it doesn’t.

Hay. The day is almost over. Back to my reality tomorrow.

-wl, a.

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it wasn’t for me

As I was walking along the corridors of BGH, seeing the condition of the wards, the patients and everything else, I thought I would miss the setting, the job, and the profession but instead I sighed out of relief that this is not my workplace. I realized after 9 years since I graduated and passed the board exams that this job wasn’t really for me.

Continue reading “it wasn’t for me”

flamie’s first birthday

Emeged. It’s been a year since my life was changed forever. She was just a little bundle of joy twelve months ago now I would soon have a toddler running around the house and will surely try my patience with her tantrums. Where did time go?

My daughter turned one a few weeks ago.

Given how forgetful I am these days, I won’t remember if I ever had planned a party before, looking back, I guess I never did so imagine how it was planning a DIY birthday party for less than 30 days. Yes, it was crazy.

Continue reading “flamie’s first birthday”

i can’t say goodbye

i tried
so many times
just thinking of the days when you’re not there
it’s makes me crazy

how can i say goodbye?

you keep me sane in the wee hours of the morning
when i have a call in the middle of the night
you keep me awake
you fire up my neurons when i feel so sabaw

how can i say goodbye?

i cannot give you up
i would crave for your taste
the creaminess
the aroma
and the happiness you bring
i can’t go on days without you
now tell me

how can i say goodbye, coffee?