social media break

I’ve been on social media for how many years now. I got accounts on Instagram, Twitter, Google +, Facebook, Pinterest, Goodreads, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Flickr, VSCO, Friendster and Myspace (when they were still the “in” social sites), Photobucket, WordPress, VK and whatever forum platforms I signed up for that I can’t remember on top of my head right now. Sometimes I interact with people, most times I’m a lurker. I am not always online, if that’s what you’re thinking, I’m just an internet savvy who likes creating accounts on different sites and forgetting about them unless I visit the site often. I have periods of being a social hermit. I need that because being always online is not good in the head. Gusto ko namang magpamiss minsan. Charaught.

Lately, I’m thinking of giving up some of the most time eating social media accounts I have. Yes, the big three.

Twitter. I gave up Twitter sometime last year. I had a Twitter account before, that I ended deactivating and then I created a new one which I don’t really use. I don’t even have the app on my phone for a year and a half now. I don’t even visit the site. The only time I see it is if there’s an article I happen to read that has references or screenshots from Twitter users. I still miss the times I could rant anytime I want in 140 characters without getting too much attention from my relatives since not all of them are there unlike on Facebook where even your lola (possibly) has an account.

Instagram. I am not always on IG. I still have it but I have intervals of how often I post a picture. There was even a time my feed is dead for 6 months, the shortest was 2 or 3 months. I lost a couple of non-real life friend followers for that online silence. IG is not as toxic as the other two for me. I know a lot of people who are quitting is because of the envy they feel if someone they know posted a recent travel, a purchase or whatever. I am not really the type to get overly affected of the things I see on this platform. I tried the travel thing in 2015 but eventually it died down. I find IG an instrument to show your artistry on things you like and love doing. I like taking photos and editing them. That’s why I have accounts on VSCO, Flickr, and Photobucket. I’ll make another post on this IG OC-ness I have which is the reason why I sometimes don’t post anything. The editing process, the brainstorming of how my feed should look, what tone should be seen for a number of post, etcetera are the bane of my IG life.

Facebook. I recently deleted the app on my phone for reasons I don’t want to list down, (like stalking and ranting and hate-mongering and the list could go on—ay sabi ko pala ayaw kong ilista). Of all three (all social media platforms actually), Facebook is the most time consuming account I have. I could spend an hour or so scrolling down my news feed. It’s a tsismis haven. You don’t have to go out of the house, call or text your friends/relatives to catch up with their lives anymore. You only need to log in on Facebook, you’ll get all the update you need—even their rants with their latest enemies. The most absurd I’ve read was a rant from a previous schoolmate to someone who owes them money and hasn’t paid yet. I just cringe at times since there are issues, problems, personal dilemmas that shouldn’t be mentioned online. I also rant, even write about it on this blog, but I have my limits. Those people I see on Facebook? They don’t. What is more stressing on Facebook right now are the trolls and fake news. There was even a time I hated reading political news. The comments are so out of this world, the best thing to do is to close the app rather than start an online tasteless, mindless debates with trolls.

Aside from those and the numerous selfies I see every day. The reason why you won’t hear from me on Facebook as often as before is because I don’t like how the app is affecting my life. I could easily stalk people I should not stalk or I should stop stalking. You set standards on relationships. Today a relationship is not official unless it’s Facebook official. I may post occasional pictures for my relatives to see or just the occasional update to let my friends know I am still alive but beyond that, I won’t be as active as before. I may reinstall the app later on once I finally had it out on my system or visit it on a browser if I could. Right now, I like my life without Twitter and Facebook. I still have Messenger. I can’t delete that, it’s my primary communication with my siblings and closest relatives so I could still be reached.

Could you give these things up too?

– wl, a.

ang sagot

Thank you, Jolens and Pampered Princess, for the nomination!

Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan ung huling sagot ko ng ganito. Sabi ko nga sa Sunday Currently ko, tamadera kasi ako ngaun kaya hindi ko sure kung magagawa ko ba talaga ng bongga ‘to. Pero dahil feel kong sumagot at magdaldal, pwede bang sagutin ko na lang ung mga tanong niyo? Para feeling interview lang, baks. Char.

So eto na.

Continue reading “ang sagot”

sunday currently | 04

what i need is rest in mind, body and pocket

I should have written and posted this last Sunday but since my katamaran was due to the weather is at the extremes and I am still recovering from my hospital confinement a few days prior, I set it aside. Now here I am trying to catch up with what happened on my weekend.

I am probably the only person you’ll find in Metro Manila who likes the rainy season. Some of my fondest memories growing up were during this season and with the way the hot season is now, I would gladly welcome any shift from the normal 35-ish degrees weather. Liking the rain doesn’t mean I like the trouble it causes especially in Metro Manila. I like travelling when it’s raining but I hate the traffic, the flood and the additional hours from my usual travel time to and fro the office. We know how crazy Metro Manila gets when the hanging habagat plus a typhoon joins forces and it is not a pretty sight. That recently happened over the weekend, good thing is I wasn’t in Metro Manila during that time. Thank God for small mercies.

CURRENTLY

Reading nothing in particular. I’ve been wanting to read A Clash of Kings for a few months now but I couldn’t get a print copy. “K” the Kindle finally gave up on me last month so I couldn’t read my e-copy. I really want to get my hands on a print. Can somebody find me this book on a friendly budget? If you guys can lend me the copy that’s going to be so awesome.

Writing this post and mind-writing my answers for Jolen’s questions in the Awesome Blogger Award she nominated me with. I used to join those in Off the Wall. Now I am not sure if I have the patience to do those anymore though I really love the nomination I got. I am also planning to write a goodbye post to “K” I just can’t find the right time and mood to do it.

Listening to Who You Are by Jessie J.

Watching nothing. I want to watch Kita Kita and a few indie films lined up for screening in the next weeks. Kita Kita is still showing in local cinemas but the fee is not so friendly on my budget. (Feel ko kasi Indie parin. Si Piolo lang nagproduce, commercial fee na agad?!)

Thinking of being active on IG again. The last time I posted was early this year? After that I totally forgot IG. I still have the app on my phone, got tons of images to edit and post but I couldn’t, for the life of me, start doing it again. I probably would before the quarter ends. Kung hindi ako tinamad.

Smelling the aroma of Korean green tea and missing the smell of coffee. The struggle is real.

Wishing I could just pack my bags, resign and move somewhere else. Can time do its work the soonest possible time? I guess not.

Hoping for a divine intervention. Charot. I am hoping that what I started to do this year and wants to happen in the future will have its results. Why can’t there be a fast forward or a rewind button you could press if you want to see the future or undo what happened in the past? Sabi ko nga, life doesn’t work that way.

Wearing jeans, a gray jacket, a gray shirt and a gray running shoes. It’s a gray day feels today.

Needing rest. I think I would forever need that. I travel for 6-10 hours every weekend plus my everyday travel time to the office. I feel like I spend most of my time sitting in a bus. I badly needed a relocation job or a home based job. I just don’t know where to start. Almost a decade in an office environment for the same company is a little hard to let go, though I know, I should and very soon.

Feeling generally happy with worries on the side and in love.

– wl, a.

P.S. It’s not Sunday anymore. So I’ll just edit the posting date. I can’t wait for next Sunday!

SC04

glassy eyes

The last time I saw this reflection in front of the mirror was two years ago. The glassy, sad, empty eyes. It was a look that rattled me, a reminder every time I look in front of the mirror of what I was feeling, of what was going on inside my head, of how my heart was empty. My mask could hide the blemishes of my life from afar but if one will take the time to look at me closely, the eyes could not deny what I was going through. People will say you look generally happy but your eyes, your eyes shows your heart. 

I never thought I’ll see that face again.

Continue reading “glassy eyes”

waiting is not my mo

This year is proving to be a very very difficult year. I should not be stressing myself over things I couldn’t get the answers yet but I can’t help it. Waiting is not my strongest suit. You may also simply say I’m fvcking impatient. Working this out is so hard when you’re a certified number one praning. It makes your waiting time nakakabaliw. I should work on that, I know but with the way I think now, it’s going to be a laborious process.

Can somebody give me pointers to be more patient? Because, really. This kapraningan is putting a toll on me. I don’t know if I can last. I’ll probably end up crazy in the next few days.

– w.l – a

Definition:
Praning
/Nakakapraning – means paranoid
Nakakabaliw – means makes you crazy

choosing joy is hard

Six months into my word and I am almost, almost ready to give it up. My life wasn’t easy and it mold me in a way that I tend to be pessimistic when things don’t go my way. I am impatient. It’s a flaw that led me to decisions I made in the past that I never really thought of the consequences later on. I knew that kind of attitude will make choosing joy a struggle but I never thought it will be this difficult.

For years of doing this, it was the first time I felt my word is draining me, stressing me out in levels I don’t want to go back to. Just like my previous words, there are times that you’ll forget it, that it would somehow take a backseat. With all the changes and things happening in my life, I lost track of my word. I lost the battle of choosing joy when things get tough—when I could choose joy but I did not.

What happened last night made me ask myself two hefty questions, what the hell am I doing? Why am I not choosing joy? To give myself a little credit, I’d say that the events the past months weren’t easy, it was far from the life I thought was right for me back in 2016. The last few months were hard. They were life changing. They made me see the mistakes I did in the past and it made me think of forgiveness, of mending burned bridges, of what happens now. It made me question, why only now? All I want is to find joy, why is life making it so damn difficult? In the midst of all the chaos, I forgot my word. It was so easy to let the days just go by, be a bitch and ruin everyone’s day because mine is not going as planned. It was easy to forget joy than choose it.

So were would this lead me now?

I’m not giving up. I have to remember and constantly remind myself that joy is not a feeling, it’s a choice that has to be made. It’s not just happiness. It’s a battle to let not pessimism get the day. It’s the courage to find joy when things get harsh. When it gets too much, I have to remember to choose joy in His name.

A friend had this word a few years ago and she did tell me that joy is like this. She shared to me this quote from her favorite blogger:

Delighted, overjoyed – we so often mistake those words for happy, or, more honestly, for naively cheerful or optimistic. We think that if we name those adjectives, we’re making it sound like we (or God or both) aren’t taking hurt seriously. That we have missed suffering. That we have lost sight of the ache of the world and are applying a pink band-aid to the gaping wounds.

But it is the work of delight and joy to come close to suffering, even closer than the so-called serious realism. It is through joy, not cynicism, that we approach the unspeakably difficult.

Because joy and delight are not happy feelings: they are the choices to let love win. They are the choice to trust love triumphant. Joy is a choice to believe God when He calls what He has made very good, and a choice to draw near to that very good world in its ache and terror and sadness.

I’m letting love win, to trust love triumphant. The first half of 2017 is over. In just a couple of months we’ll be counting the days before the year ends and I decided I won’t let my word go away anymore. There will be days it will be difficult. I would have to make the conscious effort of not letting hardships to get the best of me.

For the second time this year, I’m choosing joy. And I’m keeping it.

– wl, a

all i have are questions

I was trying to write questions of why’s, how’s, and whatnot’s on why people still choose love when it didn’t work out in the past when suddenly the truth hit me that maybe what I needed is to love myself first, again. Had I not told myself that phrase a thousand times? Have I not tried? Am I really being hard on myself?

Can I love without expectation? Without demanding someone of their time? Should I let myself feel okay or dimiss whatever I am feeling when the other person wants you only to call when they have time? When they are free? Am I just a go to person when it’s convenient?

I know there is a difference between finding time from having time and making time. I make time. Don’t I deserve the same? Should I content myself with when they have time? Is it right to ask these questions? Am in the wrong for asking them that? For their undivided attention on a certain time of the day? Am I being too demanding?

For once I just want to feel important, is that too much to ask? I am not asking them to revolve their world around me because that’s a serious bullshit. I am only asking for time, not when they have the time, when they can find the time, but to make the time. I honestly feel pathetic reading what I wrote. It feels like I am begging, for an hour of their day, a text, a reply, an email, a chat, to say hi or I’m on my way, or just take care or have a nice day. It feels like, really, I am begging for attention, for care, for love–and that feels like crap.

I’ll ask again, am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe, I am the one who has a problem? Am I asking for too much? Oh my, this is tiring. Asking questions without getting answers is tiring but all I have now are those, questions I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answers to. It brings me back to the classic saying, “kung gusto maraming paraan, kung ayaw maraming dahilan.” And that doubles the crappiness I feel right now, for real. Face palm.

-wl, a.

P.S. Sometimes I really hate travelling for hours. It makes you think of a lot things you would normally not think about.

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