The last time I saw this reflection in front of the mirror was two years ago. The glassy, sad, empty eyes. It was a look that rattled me, a reminder every time I look in front of the mirror of what I was feeling, of what was going on inside my head, of how my heart was empty. My mask could hide the blemishes of my life from afar but if one will take the time to look at me closely, the eyes could not deny what I was going through. People will say you look generally happy but your eyes, your eyes shows your heart.
I never thought I’ll see that face again.I never thought the sad eyes will return. You know what’s worse? My eyes shows the hurt, the pain, I’m going through. This face is harder to see everyday, to carry, to hide because no matter how hard I try, it seeps through.
The last time I got hurt this way, act this way, was twelve years ago. I was young, in love, and ignorant. Looking back, I will laugh whenever I remember how stupid I acted when I got my heart broken for the first time. How I cannot sleep, eat and stop crying even while eating, when I’m in the shower or when travelling to school, or when I’m in my room. Eventually the tears will turn into uncontrolled sobs, to heart wrenching, ugly crying.
I never thought I’ll go through that again. I thought back then I was just young, naive, and inexperienced. Now, I can’t call myself those anymore. I can’t eat, sleep and stop being sad. Love really could play a joke on you. The ugly crying at night is back, the pinching pain in your heart whenever you remember what’s wrong is here again. You know what’s even harder? I have to act strong, to let the world see I am fucking okay when I am not. I can’t let people see how this is breaking me in half. How this fucking hurt so much that even ugly crying can’t lessen how I feel. How this is killing me every single minute since I knew. But I cannot let how I am feeling win, for this is not just me anymore, I have a child and I have to get through this for her.
I have to keep fighting. I remember I said in a post recently that I will let love win. To trust love and to choose joy when times get tough and to stick with it. But why does it have to hurt this much? I made a choice to stay, to fight back, because we both know there is still something to hold onto, but why does the sorrow has to be this difficult? I made a promise that I will not make the same mistakes I did a year ago. I will not run away. I didn’t, right? I am still here. Struggling, hurting and still trying. I am not giving up just yet. But this heart, this heart is hurting.
My prayer now is for God to always be with me and let me know I am fighting for something that will last, no matter the struggles, that I am not on this alone, that we are not letting this break us apart, break ME apart. I pray that God will make me emotionally strong to get through this and more if it’s time to say stop.
– wl, a.
P. S. I guess it hurts too much when you let yourself love too much. I thought I learned from loving too much before. I guess since I decided this is it, this is what I see in my future, I let the reign go and loved trully.
Tangina. Ang sakit lang talaga. Nakakabaliw. Pero mas tangina, mahal ko eh, sobra.
P.S.S I wrote this a few days ago to let go of the pain and ugly emotions I got that day. Writing is my outlet and whenever I write what I feel and think, it means I already thought of things, made a decision and somehow at peace with the issues I was going through. I’m a hypocrite if I’ll say everything is peachy but if you’ll ask me how I am now, I’ll honestly answer you, I am okay. We’re working it out. I decided to choose joy, forgive myself of past mistakes, and accept that people change. I decided that this will not break me apart but will make me stronger, more understanding, and not just thinking of how and what I feel. I decided to trust love. I decided to let God dictate how I should handle the situation. I asked for wisdom. And today I proved that what Tina shared about joy is true, it comes with sorrow and pain and struggles but it’s up to you if you will choose joy despite of it all. Genuine happiness doesn’t happen because of other people, it happens because you choose it. It happens because you decided to let go of the pain.