glassy eyes

The last time I saw this reflection in front of the mirror was two years ago. The glassy, sad, empty eyes. It was a look that rattled me, a reminder every time I look in front of the mirror of what I was feeling, of what was going on inside my head, of how my heart was empty. My mask could hide the blemishes of my life from afar but if one will take the time to look at me closely, the eyes could not deny what I was going through. People will say you look generally happy but your eyes, your eyes shows your heart. 

I never thought I’ll see that face again.

Continue reading “glassy eyes”

all i have are questions

I was trying to write questions of why’s, how’s, and whatnot’s on why people still choose love when it didn’t work out in the past when suddenly the truth hit me that maybe what I needed is to love myself first, again. Had I not told myself that phrase a thousand times? Have I not tried? Am I really being hard on myself?

Can I love without expectation? Without demanding someone of their time? Should I let myself feel okay or dimiss whatever I am feeling when the other person wants you only to call when they have time? When they are free? Am I just a go to person when it’s convenient?

I know there is a difference between finding time from having time and making time. I make time. Don’t I deserve the same? Should I content myself with when they have time? Is it right to ask these questions? Am in the wrong for asking them that? For their undivided attention on a certain time of the day? Am I being too demanding?

For once I just want to feel important, is that too much to ask? I am not asking them to revolve their world around me because that’s a serious bullshit. I am only asking for time, not when they have the time, when they can find the time, but to make the time. I honestly feel pathetic reading what I wrote. It feels like I am begging, for an hour of their day, a text, a reply, an email, a chat, to say hi or I’m on my way, or just take care or have a nice day. It feels like, really, I am begging for attention, for care, for love–and that feels like crap.

I’ll ask again, am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe, I am the one who has a problem? Am I asking for too much? Oh my, this is tiring. Asking questions without getting answers is tiring but all I have now are those, questions I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answers to. It brings me back to the classic saying, “kung gusto maraming paraan, kung ayaw maraming dahilan.” And that doubles the crappiness I feel right now, for real. Face palm.

-wl, a.

P.S. Sometimes I really hate travelling for hours. It makes you think of a lot things you would normally not think about.

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all over the place

i am sorry if i’m getting on your nerves. i hate myself too when i get so irritating and uncaring and mean. especially lately. when my hormones is all over the place. i know it feels as if it’s an excuse but it is what it is. the mini pill is a bitch. and so was i. words can’t tell you enough how remorseful i am for being this way. for feeling this way. for feeling unwanted. so i snapped because, like you, i was afraid, i was anxious, i was angry. i am not myself. i am not like this. and it takes an ample of self-awareness to see that. to accept that i am on the wrong. is the pill to blame? partly. you might not believe it but i couldn’t explain why i am so moody these days. why i feel depressed and anxious and easily angered, with or without a reason. i’m sorry for screwing your head. if i made you feel whatever you are feeling right now. i know deep within me, i am not like this. only now. i hope after i get my hormones back to normal, i’ll get back to my normal self too. though you have to remember, i am not perfect. i am complicated, unpredictable, unreasonable and irrational at times. i am a difficult person to love. and like you, i am afraid  someday you’ll get fed up and just give up. i don’t always express my feelings. i don’t always tell you how important you are. how you’ve become a permanent part of my life. in case you don’t know it yet, you are. and a lot more.

calm your heart

calm your heart and accept what you had lost. what you didn’t choose. you chose your head over your heart. you argued that love cannot give you a future alone so you chose what you think is best. calm your heart and do not regret anything. stop second-guessing your decisions. you made a choice. you have to live with it. you have to accept what you have now. stop asking questions you don’t know the answers to. do not make your life complicated again. live the life you chose. calm your heart and let it go. you might not see the wisdom of it now but know that God doesn’t let things happen without a reason. trust the path you chose. trust that God has a plan ahead of you. let go of the wheels. let Him be the driver of your life. calm your heart and make peace with your head. you may still at times have those moments of what ifs but strengthen your resolve. strengthen your heart. there is no bargaining now. you are way past that. maybe in time things will change. maybe in time you’ll get the answers to your questions. maybe in time you’ll see the wisdom of where this is going. maybe in time you won’t feel this anymore. maybe in time you won’t write things like this again. maybe in time the peace you want from the very beginning will come to you. calm your heart and choose joy. happiness is a choice. so make the choice. make the effort. and in time you’ll feel fine. there is no maybe in it. calm your heart and forgive yourself and then let time do its job.

you are finally free

Dear Tiger Lily,

I am so happy when I heard the news that you finally let go of Peter Pan. I couldn’t believe it at first. After all the hours, days and months I’ve spent talking your ear off on why you should let go and you won’t budge. I gave up putting sense in that thick head of yours. I am so glad you bumped your head (real hard this time) and realized your worth—a little bit late, mind you, but still you are now out of that (s)hell.

It took you sometime to build the courage to do what you know you should have done a long time ago. I know how it feels to make a tough decision. I know how hard it is to weigh things and to let go of what you’ve grown accustomed to. I understand why it took this long. I am so proud of how brave you’ve been—even though the decision hurt. Even if you are still hurting and you are hell bent in denying that you are not. I’ll let you go through the healing-slash-grieving process on your own. Let’s just rejoice that you’re now free of Peter Pan. You can now enjoy Neverland since he is off to the other side of the world. You can now explore without the restrictions Peter Pan set on you. You can even leave Neverland and go visit places you’ve never been.

You can now spread your wings.

I know you are still thinking of Captain Hook and his gang and it dampens your feeling of liberty, as I said one burden at a time. You’ll get rid of that too—in the right time. Enjoy your newfound freedom but proceed with caution, okay? I don’t want you running to me again, crying your heart out over decisions done without thinking.

Don’t be like Ate.

-wl, a.

P.S. Can I be Tinkerbell?

free of the ties