all over the place

i am sorry if i’m getting on your nerves. i hate myself too when i get so irritating and uncaring and mean. especially lately. when my hormones is all over the place. i know it feels as if it’s an excuse but it is what it is. the mini pill is a bitch. and so was i. words can’t tell you enough how remorseful i am for being this way. for feeling this way. for feeling unwanted. so i snapped because, like you, i was afraid, i was anxious, i was angry. i am not myself. i am not like this. and it takes an ample of self-awareness to see that. to accept that i am on the wrong. is the pill to blame? partly. you might not believe it but i couldn’t explain why i am so moody these days. why i feel depressed and anxious and easily angered, with or without a reason. i’m sorry for screwing your head. if i made you feel whatever you are feeling right now. i know deep within me, i am not like this. only now. i hope after i get my hormones back to normal, i’ll get back to my normal self too. though you have to remember, i am not perfect. i am complicated, unpredictable, unreasonable and irrational at times. i am a difficult person to love. and like you, i am afraid  someday you’ll get fed up and just give up. i don’t always express my feelings. i don’t always tell you how important you are. how you’ve become a permanent part of my life. in case you don’t know it yet, you are. and a lot more.

i can’t say goodbye

i tried
so many times
just thinking of the days when you’re not there
it’s makes me crazy

how can i say goodbye?

you keep me sane in the wee hours of the morning
when i have a call in the middle of the night
you keep me awake
you fire up my neurons when i feel so sabaw

how can i say goodbye?

i cannot give you up
i would crave for your taste
the creaminess
the aroma
and the happiness you bring
i can’t go on days without you
now tell me

how can i say goodbye, coffee?

calm your heart

calm your heart and accept what you had lost. what you didn’t choose. you chose your head over your heart. you argued that love cannot give you a future alone so you chose what you think is best. calm your heart and do not regret anything. stop second-guessing your decisions. you made a choice. you have to live with it. you have to accept what you have now. stop asking questions you don’t know the answers to. do not make your life complicated again. live the life you chose. calm your heart and let it go. you might not see the wisdom of it now but know that God doesn’t let things happen without a reason. trust the path you chose. trust that God has a plan ahead of you. let go of the wheels. let Him be the driver of your life. calm your heart and make peace with your head. you may still at times have those moments of what ifs but strengthen your resolve. strengthen your heart. there is no bargaining now. you are way past that. maybe in time things will change. maybe in time you’ll get the answers to your questions. maybe in time you’ll see the wisdom of where this is going. maybe in time you won’t feel this anymore. maybe in time you won’t write things like this again. maybe in time the peace you want from the very beginning will come to you. calm your heart and choose joy. happiness is a choice. so make the choice. make the effort. and in time you’ll feel fine. there is no maybe in it. calm your heart and forgive yourself and then let time do its job.

i hate you George

Dear George,

I don’t know what GoT into me, why I ever decided to read your first book. It took me years dodging your books. I should have continued doing that because look where it GoT me, frustrated over the characters you killed. I don’t have to warn others that this letter contain spoilers since I am so late in reading this. I know majority have watched the series and are now waiting for Season 7 so I’ll just lay everything out in the open.

I was hoping against all hope that you’ll spare Ned’s life. Even at the very end, I was hoping for some miracle but you fvcking killed that hope when you allowed Jeoff to cut off his head. I shouldn’t have hoped, my heart bled when you let Lady died, so what’s there to be shocked about, right? I should have braised myself for the worst. I am so thankful I haven’t watched the complete series yet because I know I wouldn’t be able to take how graphic and gruesome the deaths of every character you killed. I do have a general idea of how they looked like, thanks to google, and I did watch until episode 2 of Season 1.

It’s not that I don’t like your book. I did. The deaths just did not sit well with me. I enjoyed how you wrote the book; I liked getting into the heads of the characters. I even understood how Tyrion thinks compared to how he was portrayed in the series. It took me 3 months to finish the first book and I even have a plan of reading all 5 books this year which I don’t think is possible but I’m not giving up on it yet.

You are an awesome writer George and GoT deserves a five star rating but I only gave it three. I know you’ll be killing more and more and more in the coming books so I’ll “try” to get my head around that and also try not to get emotionally invested to any of the characters.

Oh, if I haven’t stressed it yet—

FVCK YOU.

wl, a.

P.S Can somebody lend me the second book, please? I don’t want to read in my kindle. It’s so frustrating reading in a device when there are times you want to slam down the book. I don’t have the budget of getting a new kindle so better not to read George R.R. Martin books on devices that can break. Don’t worry, I won’t hurl it across the room or wherever. I’ll take good care of it. Belle’s book is still in one piece, I think.

Rollie, can we meet one of these days so I can borrow books three to five, please?

you are finally free

Dear Tiger Lily,

I am so happy when I heard the news that you finally let go of Peter Pan. I couldn’t believe it at first. After all the hours, days and months I’ve spent talking your ear off on why you should let go and you won’t budge. I gave up putting sense in that thick head of yours. I am so glad you bumped your head (real hard this time) and realized your worth—a little bit late, mind you, but still you are now out of that (s)hell.

It took you sometime to build the courage to do what you know you should have done a long time ago. I know how it feels to make a tough decision. I know how hard it is to weigh things and to let go of what you’ve grown accustomed to. I understand why it took this long. I am so proud of how brave you’ve been—even though the decision hurt. Even if you are still hurting and you are hell bent in denying that you are not. I’ll let you go through the healing-slash-grieving process on your own. Let’s just rejoice that you’re now free of Peter Pan. You can now enjoy Neverland since he is off to the other side of the world. You can now explore without the restrictions Peter Pan set on you. You can even leave Neverland and go visit places you’ve never been.

You can now spread your wings.

I know you are still thinking of Captain Hook and his gang and it dampens your feeling of liberty, as I said one burden at a time. You’ll get rid of that too—in the right time. Enjoy your newfound freedom but proceed with caution, okay? I don’t want you running to me again, crying your heart out over decisions done without thinking.

Don’t be like Ate.

-wl, a.

P.S. Can I be Tinkerbell?

free of the ties

keep the faith

book review + blog tour

It was two in the morning, in the cold hallway of Medical City’s ER, a girl was sitting beside a hospital bed, face buried in front of a device with tears in her eyes. She was trying to hide her face from passing nurses, doctors, and patient’s relatives because they might think she’s having an emotional breakdown over a serious medical prognosis. Given the place where she’s in, crying means something terrible has happened but no, she’s just reading a book.

That was me reading Keep the Faith.

I have not cried over a book for a long time. I actually haven’t read romance and chick lit for quite some time, but even in the days where I read nothing but romance, I can’t remember the last time I felt so connected with the lead character, how the story felt like home. I had that with Faith and her journey of healing and moving on.

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my year in books

one hundred in twenty-sixteen

Who would have thought I could read one hundred books last year? Compared to the years when reading 100 books for me is typical, completing my reading challenge for 2016 is a feat. I had a bad reading slump the year prior so I wasn’t very keen in finishing the challenge. I wasn’t even expecting to finish ten books! With the baby coming, work and all changes that comes with being a mother, I knew finding time to read is next to impossible so whenever I have a miraculous me time, all I do is read and read and read and viola! I finished a hundred books!

100books_2

Most of the books I read were fantasy, science fiction or dystopia which is surprising because I don’t read those genres so much before. I can also count in my hands and feet the romance novels I read last year, a shock to my reader friends since they expected I would go back to gobbling up romance novels but after years of reading too much romance, I outgrew the genre. I find myself reading genres I don’t read before, books you wouldn’t think I would ever read and more of locally published novels. 2016 is a year of discoveries both in my life and reading.

Continue reading “my year in books”