life doesn’t start when heartaches end

you wade through it
even if it hurt
you move on
you wake up every day
go through the motions each day
you eat
laugh with friends
cry in the corner
and then laugh some more
no matter how crappy you feel
or how crazy you think
you are alive
you might think it doesn’t seem much
but you’re still breathing
you have a life
just with a broken heart
it feels different
like something is missing
like there is a gaping hole where your heart once was
but deep inside you know it’s an excuse
because even if you don’t accept it now
at the end of the day
you know that life
doesn’t start when heartaches end
it just goes on

there’s nothing big with the big three-o

well, except for me?

I was very conscious with my age when I was in my early to mid-twenties. Like any other young adult, every passing year then makes me feel literally old. At some point in my late twenties, I finally embraced the idea that age is just a number but I still fret whenever I think about turning 30.

I turned thirty a few days ago.

I am not fond of birthday celebrations so that day passed like any other regular day apart from the not so normal notifications I get on Facebook. Nothing really changed lately except maybe for my weight because once you reach the mid-twenties bench mark, your metabolism changes and you have to watch out for whatever you eat because you don’t burn those calories as fast as you used to.

It was the first time though that I made an effort to spend the day with my family. If my birthday is on weekdays, I would most likely be in the office but since this fell on a weekend and the brouhaha I have to endure with my previous nanny stressed me to levels that I should only feel when I’m at work, I deserve a freakin’ break so I said to my mom we’ll have a swimming party on my sister’s birthday. Hah, that confused you ‘no? My youngest sister was born a day before my birthday while our bunso was born 3 days after New Year and most of the time our birthdays fall on the same week. We decided to have one party for the three of us to save time, money and effort.

I tried to think of my life for the last ten years but after all the anesthesia I had when I gave birth I can’t remember exactly what I want to remember. All I can say is, the past ten years was a tough ride. There are things I haven’t experienced that normally single individuals do in their twenties. As a young professional my priorities back then was to support my family. We aren’t born affluent. I have siblings to send to school, bills to pay, and a life to live as comfortable as I could. My twenties weren’t bad, probably not as remarkable like some if we are to put it in a CV, yet it was colorful. It’s a series of achievements, failures, successes, disappointments, heartaches, love, friendship, local travels, health, work and family issues, and a baby. I can’t remember the little things like how many times I changed phones and numbers or even list down the places I visited because, hello, old age. The past years were challenging but I get by, I know, better than most and I have God to thank for that. He never gave up on me even if at one point I gave up on him.

There are things I haven’t done that I hope I’ll be able to do in my thirties even if my priorities are different now. Thirty is a new life for me. A new beginning. My young adult years made me strong, brave and mature though there are still a lot of room for improvement like losing all the fat I have now.

Must. Practice. Control.
(looks at that delicious cake, *cries in the corner)

If someone asks, I’m forever twenty-eight. Ganern.

Ola ariba, Trenta!

with love,
-A.

related posts: twenty three + five27january-ish

what God’s perfect timing really means

when your perfect timing is not His perfect timing

One day I was reading my emails in the office when I happen to see the monthly email the corporate recruitment is sending for job openings across all sites. I saw the same position I have now in the site I was considering transferring to two years ago. The only time I was seriously looking for a lateral transfer was in January 2015 when everything that had happened for the past 16 months never crossed my mind. Well, it did though I wasn’t giving it much thought because I didn’t think of it as a possibility. Then again we all know how fate could be funny and mean at the same time, right?

As what I was saying, I wanted to move to Baguio early of 2015 for reasons my closest friends and my readers from Off the Wall knows. I was physically and emotionally drained living in the busy, crazy, fast paced life in Metro Manila for seven years. I was waiting for the right time to move somewhere else, away from the life I built here in the city. That time I wanted so much to just pack my bags and leave but for some reason, I always held back. I would talk myself out of the crazy idea of leaving a secure job and would have a thousand and one reasons of why I should not make hasty decisions. Maybe it’s not what God had intended to happen yet. Maybe in God’s perfect timing, it will.

It never happened. A bunch of things did happen but not the one I was hoping for.

Someone told me, “God sometimes give you what you really need than what you think you need. You may not see the wisdom of it now. Believe me, later on you would.” A friend also said when I mentioned the job opening to her that it wasn’t meant to be.

Seeing that email after everything had changed made me think of what God’s perfect timing really means. He knew that I would jump at the opportunity if I saw this before without thinking of the repercussions of my abrupt decision. At the back of my mind I knew that my wanting of moving away was a result of my cowardice. I was running away from things I don’t want to face back then.

Continue reading “what God’s perfect timing really means”

with love, –A.

life and my love for writing

As I’ve mentioned on my old blog, Off the Wall, I’m taking a break from writing and I wouldn’t be using Off the Wall anymore when I get back. After months of my self-imposed semi-online hiatus, I feel like I’m ready to go back to the online world—though maybe not very much.

I wasn’t really totally gone from the net. I’d been a lurker in various social media sites. I know what’s going on around me, whatever viral post is up there, new movies, new books, current events. I wasn’t a total hermit. I still have the occasional Facebook status update, tweets and Instagram post. I just don’t have the energy to engage with anyone online. I was, in some way, offline most of the time. Reachable but unresponsive.

What changed then? A little of everything.

For the past months my sole focus is to put my life back together. I was juggling work, house chores, financial plans, baby and all sorts of domestic stuff, and motherhood all at the same time. It was chaotic for the first few weeks and I thought I won’t get my footing with where my life was at that time.

Continue reading “with love, –A.”