Six months into my word and I am almost, almost ready to give it up. My life wasn’t easy and it mold me in a way that I tend to be pessimistic when things don’t go my way. I am impatient. It’s a flaw that led me to decisions I made in the past that I never really thought of the consequences later on. I knew that kind of attitude will make choosing joy a struggle but I never thought it will be this difficult.
I was trying to write questions of why’s, how’s, and whatnot’s on why people still choose love when it didn’t work out in the past when suddenly the truth hit me that maybe what I needed is to love myself first, again. Had I not told myself that phrase a thousand times? Have I not tried? Am I really being hard on myself?
i am sorry if i’m getting on your nerves. i hate myself too when i get so irritating and uncaring and mean. especially lately. when my hormones is all over the place. i know it feels as if it’s an excuse but it is what it is. the mini pill is a bitch. and so was i. words can’t tell you enough how remorseful i am for being this way. for feeling this way. for feeling unwanted. so i snapped because, like you, i was afraid, i was anxious, i was angry. i am not myself. i am not like this. and it takes an ample of self-awareness to see that. to accept that i am on the wrong. is the pill to blame? partly. you might not believe it but i couldn’t explain why i am so moody these days. why i feel depressed and anxious and easily angered, with or without a reason. i’m sorry for screwing your head. if i made you feel whatever you are feeling right now. i know deep within me, i am not like this. only now. i hope after i get my hormones back to normal, i’ll get back to my normal self too. though you have to remember, i am not perfect. i am complicated, unpredictable, unreasonable and irrational at times. i am a difficult person to love. and like you, i am afraid someday you’ll get fed up and just give up. i don’t always express my feelings. i don’t always tell you how important you are. how you’ve become a permanent part of my life. in case you don’t know it yet, you are. and a lot more.
weekends are for Flamie
My weekends, specially Sundays, lately are spent with my daughter. I’m in Manila on weekdays then I travel to Pangasinan every Friday or early morning (as in wee hours) on Saturday so I can be with my daughter on my rest days. If you think a couple’s LDR is hard, triple the feeling and that is how difficult to be far from your child. I’m lucky I still have my weekends and holidays to be with her but what about those who work overseas?
Kudos to all moms who make every kind of sacrifices for their kids. We all deserve a good Sunday.
Reading Rebel of the Sands by Alwyn Hamilton. I started reading this a few days ago after I read A Court of Mist and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas. I got sidetracked reading it this weekend because I’m on babysitting duty which is expected because Flamie only wants mommy and mommy and mommy.
Writing whatever comes to my mind these days. I need to write.
Listening to Adele’s All I Ask and Ariana Grande’s Almost is Never Enough and a whole lot more. Check and follow my playlist on Spotify here.
Watching Goblin, a Korean drama starring Gong Yoo from the series Coffee Prince years ago and he hasn’t aged a bit. I am actually so late in watching Korean dramas again since I couldn’t find the time to do it before. Of course, I watch this in between seeing Baby TV shows, Masha and the Bear and Baby Jake episodes and the occasional nursery rhymes. I wonder when will I add Pippa Pig on this list. Probably, never.
Thinking of where the hell can we find a nanny who will last. Ugh. Will this be my problem for the rest of the year? We had 3 nannies (going on 4) since January and it’s not half the year yet!
Smelling the little girl who smells like baby powder.
Wishing I could spend more time with my daughter, live with her again if I could.
Hoping for a job opening on the site where I want to transfer soon or start a home based job which will allow me to be with my daughter all day.
Wearing a mommy get up, if there is one.
Needing more patience and hope and peace of mind.
Feeling tired yet okay, not overjoyed but fine. I’m okay even if sometimes it doesn’t.
Hay. The day is almost over. Back to my reality tomorrow.
As I was walking along the corridors of BGH, seeing the condition of the wards, the patients and everything else, I thought I would miss the setting, the job, and the profession but instead I sighed out of relief that this is not my workplace. I realized after 9 years since I graduated and passed the board exams that this job wasn’t really for me.
Emeged. It’s been a year since my life was changed forever. She was just a little bundle of joy twelve months ago now I would soon have a toddler running around the house and will surely try my patience with her tantrums. Where did time go?
My daughter turned one a few weeks ago.
Given how forgetful I am these days, I won’t remember if I ever had planned a party before, looking back, I guess I never did so imagine how it was planning a DIY birthday party for less than 30 days. Yes, it was crazy.
so many times
just thinking of the days when you’re not there
it’s makes me crazy
how can i say goodbye?
you keep me sane in the wee hours of the morning
when i have a call in the middle of the night
you keep me awake
you fire up my neurons when i feel so sabaw
how can i say goodbye?
i cannot give you up
i would crave for your taste
and the happiness you bring
i can’t go on days without you
now tell me
how can i say goodbye, coffee?