calm your heart and accept what you had lost. what you didn’t choose. you chose your head over your heart. you argued that love cannot give you a future alone so you chose what you think is best. calm your heart and do not regret anything. stop second-guessing your decisions. you made a choice. you have to live with it. you have to accept what you have now. stop asking questions you don’t know the answers to. do not make your life complicated again. live the life you chose. calm your heart and let it go. you might not see the wisdom of it now but know that God doesn’t let things happen without a reason. trust the path you chose. trust that God has a plan ahead of you. let go of the wheels. let Him be the driver of your life. calm your heart and make peace with your head. you may still at times have those moments of what ifs but strengthen your resolve. strengthen your heart. there is no bargaining now. you are way past that. maybe in time things will change. maybe in time you’ll get the answers to your questions. maybe in time you’ll see the wisdom of where this is going. maybe in time you won’t feel this anymore. maybe in time you won’t write things like this again. maybe in time the peace you want from the very beginning will come to you. calm your heart and choose joy. happiness is a choice. so make the choice. make the effort. and in time you’ll feel fine. there is no maybe in it. calm your heart and forgive yourself and then let time do its job.
when emotions go unchecked
Being busy forces you not to think beyond what you usually face everyday but being busy does not make it go away. Sooner or later the things you are running away from will catch up on you. The emotions that were left unchecked for a time resurfaces and you’re suddenly overwhelmed of bottled up thoughts, questions, and emotions and whatever things that will come up your mind that you haven’t thought of for a while.
Welcome to my Sunday.
Reading A Conjuring of Lights by V.E. Schwab. I’m done reading it a few days ago. I haven’t opened my Kindle yet to look for a new novel to read. I’m actually waiting for someone to lend me A Clash of Kings because I’m in the mood of reading a book with a lot of deaths in it.
Writing a post of what I want to say but does not really write anything that is close to what I want to say. If that makes sense.
Listening to Ed Sheeran’s All of the Stars.
Watching Trolls. I have a baby at home so it’s either an animation movie or Baby TV the whole day.
Thinking of things I don’t want to think about.
Smelling the smell of summer and stress. If such exists.
Wishing for something that only a Fairy Godmother could give me.
Hoping for a calm heart, mind and soul and pocket.
Wearing my usual get up when at home.
Needing rest and rest and rest and rest and rest. Did I just say rest?
Feeling emotionally drained and stressed. Hello, weekend.
i repeat “fley•mi”
If you can’t still say it right, here’s how you should read/pronounce it:
FLEY • MI
It irritates me to no end whenever someone mispronounce my daughter’s name. I often hear people say it as FLA • MI, sounds as the “fla” in flower. I know her name is unusual but if you can’t read it correctly, you can always just ask me, right? *makes face*
There was even a time when I was talking with an agent over the phone for her health card, I already said the name as “fley • mi” only to hear her read it back as “fla • mi”. If I were the agent’s QA, she’ll surely get a mark off on active listening. I know there are people who would ask how I say it first but there are others who will not. This rant may sound absurd to you, but believe me you’ll understand me if you have a difficult name to pronounce or you are a mom.
Here’s the latest picture of the little girl at ten months in pigtails, telling you how to say her name correctly:
i want a work from home job, parefer naman
One of the things I scratched from my To Do List when I was putting up this blog is to forget about post memes. I used to have a lot of them on my previous blog because it makes the blog organized especially when I am covering differen topics. I grew tired of boxing everything I write in memes.
So why do this now, you ask? To fill in the space of this blog of course. I’m such a lazy bum when writing these days. I know, I know, I know, I have to build an audience blah, blah, blah—that’s why I’m doing this now, right? As always, don’t expect this to be a regular shenanigan in WLA, just whenever the mood strikes.
Reading Game of Thrones. Yes, finally after years of avoiding GoT, here I am. Can somebody lend me the second book? I’m nearly done with the first.
Writing several blog posts that I hope to finish writing. Like this one.
Listening to my daughter talking my ear off. Babbling vowels, yelling, laughing, and saying dadadaddy all the time. Say mummamyy, daughter!
Watching a number of qAmerican Series, the ones that were on season break for the holidays last year. Done with the first half of Teen Wolf’s Season 6 and the latest episodes of The Flash Season 3. I’m about to continue where I left off with Arrow Season 5, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow Season 2, Magicians Season 1 and 2.
Thinking of what to cook for the next two weeks, of the replacement nanny for my daughter, the household biweekly budget, and baby supplies.
Smelling Baygon’s residue. Hindi ako adik ha? Nagspray lang kasi malamok. Charot.
Wishing I was on a paid vacation, travelling somewhere, hitting the beach, a day without thinking of diapers, milk, budget and stressful work related tasks.
Hoping to get a replacement nanny soon. It’s hard to find a lasting nanny these days. The breed of kasambahay today are not long term material anymore (a few months, if you’re lucky, half a year) unlike the nannies we had back in the 90s – 00s. The shortest stint for a nanny then is 2 years. The longest one we had was 7 years. My nanny, who is about to go, is nice and approachable. Her husband is badgering her to go home to take care of their kids which left me with no choice but to let her go. I asked her to give us time to get a new one before she leaves and I’m glad she agreed. I hope we can get a replacement very soon so all of us can be happy and move on with our lives.
Wearing a comfy pambahay.
Loving Mobile Legends. HAHAHAHA. Deymit, it’s a good stress reliever and a bonding thing I have with beau.
Wanting a new job that will allow me to work from home and that pays well. I don’t have to face traffic every day and I get to see and be with my child most of the day. I might not even need a 24/7 nanny for her then.
Needing a good rest, massage, and a long weekend. I need sleep. With the unpredictable work schedule I have right now and sleeping with my child at night, I need all the sleep I can get.
Feeling tired, worried, and more. Hay. Given all the problems I have to face recently, it’s a challenge to choose joy. My word for this year is proving to be such a difficult word to achieve. Ohmeged, and we’re not even half through the year!
she’s being a bitch
This used to be my favorite month because it’s my birthday month but this year proved otherwise. She’s being a bitch and a major pain the ass. Oh, I can’t wait for January to end.
whispers to self, “grace to choose joy”, repeat
To be fair, my woes for this month started before 2016 ended when my previous nanny didn’t even have the grace to properly tell me she doesn’t want to stay working for me anymore. She only sent me a text message on the 29th of December to look for a replacement when in just a few days I would need to go back to work. I was very pissed. I would never hinder her if she wanted to work somewhere else, all I ask is for her tell me in advance if she doesn’t want to stay anymore so I could look for a replacement before she leaves. If she told me earlier and not with a very short notice, I would have been less agitated and furious. Imagine the stress I had at the beginning of the year thinking of where would I leave my daughter when I have to go work. It was a hellish two weeks.
To add to the stress, office work is not being friendly with all the changes that needs to be implemented immediately. (*drops head on my desk*) Then when I came back to the province to get my daughter, I found out she was sick. We had to get her checked and was on antibiotics for a week. Again, I had to adjust my work schedule to be with her. A few days ago, my phone gave up on me. Yesterday, my eyeglasses broke.
What. The. Hell. January.
Despite of those not so nice events for the past weeks, I know there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I’ll try to list it down:
- I found a new nanny. Hopefully better than the last and with delicadeza this time, please.
- My daughter is well. She recovered easily and is back to being makulit.
- My boss was very understanding with my situation and I was able to have leaves with pay.
- Work is still stressful. I can’t change that but it gave me a new perspective and goals in the future.
- I got a new phone (which is a year overdue).
- I had a new frame for my eyeglasses (a year overdue too).
- The expenses for travelling from the province to work and all my unexpected purchases put a hole on my pocket. I still have work to get those back. It would just take a few more months to save up, again.
- I get to spend time with my parents and siblings longer for the holidays and our town’s fiesta.
- Spent my 30th birthday with them.
It wasn’t all bad, right? I know there are people who are having more problems than I do. Harder struggles. Greater priorities. There are far more things I have to be thankful for even if this year started not very well.
Writing helped. Putting my emotions and thoughts into words made me feel better. We still have a week before January ends but please, please let me have a break.
Thank you Lord for listening when I rant whenver I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Thank you for always reminding me to choose joy and for giving me the grace to do that in Your name.
when your perfect timing is not His perfect timing
One day I was reading my emails in the office when I happen to see the monthly email the corporate recruitment is sending for job openings across all sites. I saw the same position I have now in the site I was considering transferring to two years ago. The only time I was seriously looking for a lateral transfer was in January 2015 when everything that had happened for the past 16 months never crossed my mind. Well, it did though I wasn’t giving it much thought because I didn’t think of it as a possibility. Then again we all know how fate could be funny and mean at the same time, right?
As what I was saying, I wanted to move to Baguio early of 2015 for reasons my closest friends and my readers from Off the Wall knows. I was physically and emotionally drained living in the busy, crazy, fast paced life in Metro Manila for seven years. I was waiting for the right time to move somewhere else, away from the life I built here in the city. That time I wanted so much to just pack my bags and leave but for some reason, I always held back. I would talk myself out of the crazy idea of leaving a secure job and would have a thousand and one reasons of why I should not make hasty decisions. Maybe it’s not what God had intended to happen yet. Maybe in God’s perfect timing, it will.
It never happened. A bunch of things did happen but not the one I was hoping for.
Someone told me, “God sometimes give you what you really need than what you think you need. You may not see the wisdom of it now. Believe me, later on you would.” A friend also said when I mentioned the job opening to her that it wasn’t meant to be.
Seeing that email after everything had changed made me think of what God’s perfect timing really means. He knew that I would jump at the opportunity if I saw this before without thinking of the repercussions of my abrupt decision. At the back of my mind I knew that my wanting of moving away was a result of my cowardice. I was running away from things I don’t want to face back then.
life and my love for writing
As I’ve mentioned on my old blog, Off the Wall, I’m taking a break from writing and I wouldn’t be using Off the Wall anymore when I get back. After months of my self-imposed semi-online hiatus, I feel like I’m ready to go back to the online world—though maybe not very much.
I wasn’t really totally gone from the net. I’d been a lurker in various social media sites. I know what’s going on around me, whatever viral post is up there, new movies, new books, current events. I wasn’t a total hermit. I still have the occasional Facebook status update, tweets and Instagram post. I just don’t have the energy to engage with anyone online. I was, in some way, offline most of the time. Reachable but unresponsive.
What changed then? A little of everything.
For the past months my sole focus is to put my life back together. I was juggling work, house chores, financial plans, baby and all sorts of domestic stuff, and motherhood all at the same time. It was chaotic for the first few weeks and I thought I won’t get my footing with where my life was at that time.