waiting is not my mo

This year is proving to be a very very difficult year. I should not be stressing myself over things I couldn’t get the answers yet but I can’t help it. Waiting is not my strongest suit. You may also simply say I’m fvcking impatient. Working this out is so hard when you’re a certified number one praning. It makes your waiting time nakakabaliw. I should work on that, I know but with the way I think now, it’s going to be a laborious process.

Can somebody give me pointers to be more patient? Because, really. This kapraningan is putting a toll on me. I don’t know if I can last. I’ll probably end up crazy in the next few days.

– w.l – a

Definition:
Praning
/Nakakapraning – means paranoid
Nakakabaliw – means makes you crazy

choosing joy is hard

Six months into my word and I am almost, almost ready to give it up. My life wasn’t easy and it mold me in a way that I tend to be pessimistic when things don’t go my way. I am impatient. It’s a flaw that led me to decisions I made in the past that I never really thought of the consequences later on. I knew that kind of attitude will make choosing joy a struggle but I never thought it will be this difficult.

For years of doing this, it was the first time I felt my word is draining me, stressing me out in levels I don’t want to go back to. Just like my previous words, there are times that you’ll forget it, that it would somehow take a backseat. With all the changes and things happening in my life, I lost track of my word. I lost the battle of choosing joy when things get tough—when I could choose joy but I did not.

What happened last night made me ask myself two hefty questions, what the hell am I doing? Why am I not choosing joy? To give myself a little credit, I’d say that the events the past months weren’t easy, it was far from the life I thought was right for me back in 2016. The last few months were hard. They were life changing. They made me see the mistakes I did in the past and it made me think of forgiveness, of mending burned bridges, of what happens now. It made me question, why only now? All I want is to find joy, why is life making it so damn difficult? In the midst of all the chaos, I forgot my word. It was so easy to let the days just go by, be a bitch and ruin everyone’s day because mine is not going as planned. It was easy to forget joy than choose it.

So were would this lead me now?

I’m not giving up. I have to remember and constantly remind myself that joy is not a feeling, it’s a choice that has to be made. It’s not just happiness. It’s a battle to let not pessimism get the day. It’s the courage to find joy when things get harsh. When it gets too much, I have to remember to choose joy in His name.

A friend had this word a few years ago and she did tell me that joy is like this. She shared to me this quote from her favorite blogger:

Delighted, overjoyed – we so often mistake those words for happy, or, more honestly, for naively cheerful or optimistic. We think that if we name those adjectives, we’re making it sound like we (or God or both) aren’t taking hurt seriously. That we have missed suffering. That we have lost sight of the ache of the world and are applying a pink band-aid to the gaping wounds.

But it is the work of delight and joy to come close to suffering, even closer than the so-called serious realism. It is through joy, not cynicism, that we approach the unspeakably difficult.

Because joy and delight are not happy feelings: they are the choices to let love win. They are the choice to trust love triumphant. Joy is a choice to believe God when He calls what He has made very good, and a choice to draw near to that very good world in its ache and terror and sadness.

I’m letting love win, to trust love triumphant. The first half of 2017 is over. In just a couple of months we’ll be counting the days before the year ends and I decided I won’t let my word go away anymore. There will be days it will be difficult. I would have to make the conscious effort of not letting hardships to get the best of me.

For the second time this year, I’m choosing joy. And I’m keeping it.

– wl, a

all i have are questions

I was trying to write questions of why’s, how’s, and whatnot’s on why people still choose love when it didn’t work out in the past when suddenly the truth hit me that maybe what I needed is to love myself first, again. Had I not told myself that phrase a thousand times? Have I not tried? Am I really being hard on myself?

Can I love without expectation? Without demanding someone of their time? Should I let myself feel okay or dimiss whatever I am feeling when the other person wants you only to call when they have time? When they are free? Am I just a go to person when it’s convenient?

I know there is a difference between finding time from having time and making time. I make time. Don’t I deserve the same? Should I content myself with when they have time? Is it right to ask these questions? Am in the wrong for asking them that? For their undivided attention on a certain time of the day? Am I being too demanding?

For once I just want to feel important, is that too much to ask? I am not asking them to revolve their world around me because that’s a serious bullshit. I am only asking for time, not when they have the time, when they can find the time, but to make the time. I honestly feel pathetic reading what I wrote. It feels like I am begging, for an hour of their day, a text, a reply, an email, a chat, to say hi or I’m on my way, or just take care or have a nice day. It feels like, really, I am begging for attention, for care, for love–and that feels like crap.

I’ll ask again, am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe, I am the one who has a problem? Am I asking for too much? Oh my, this is tiring. Asking questions without getting answers is tiring but all I have now are those, questions I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answers to. It brings me back to the classic saying, “kung gusto maraming paraan, kung ayaw maraming dahilan.” And that doubles the crappiness I feel right now, for real. Face palm.

-wl, a.

P.S. Sometimes I really hate travelling for hours. It makes you think of a lot things you would normally not think about.

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calm your heart

calm your heart and accept what you had lost. what you didn’t choose. you chose your head over your heart. you argued that love cannot give you a future alone so you chose what you think is best. calm your heart and do not regret anything. stop second-guessing your decisions. you made a choice. you have to live with it. you have to accept what you have now. stop asking questions you don’t know the answers to. do not make your life complicated again. live the life you chose. calm your heart and let it go. you might not see the wisdom of it now but know that God doesn’t let things happen without a reason. trust the path you chose. trust that God has a plan ahead of you. let go of the wheels. let Him be the driver of your life. calm your heart and make peace with your head. you may still at times have those moments of what ifs but strengthen your resolve. strengthen your heart. there is no bargaining now. you are way past that. maybe in time things will change. maybe in time you’ll get the answers to your questions. maybe in time you’ll see the wisdom of where this is going. maybe in time you won’t feel this anymore. maybe in time you won’t write things like this again. maybe in time the peace you want from the very beginning will come to you. calm your heart and choose joy. happiness is a choice. so make the choice. make the effort. and in time you’ll feel fine. there is no maybe in it. calm your heart and forgive yourself and then let time do its job.

sunday currently | 02

when emotions go unchecked

Being busy forces you not to think beyond what you usually face everyday but being busy does not make it go away. Sooner or later the things you are running away from will catch up on you. The emotions that were left unchecked for a time resurfaces and you’re suddenly overwhelmed of bottled up thoughts, questions, and emotions and whatever things that will come up your mind that you haven’t thought of for a while.

Welcome to my Sunday.

CURRENTLY

Reading A Conjuring of Lights by V.E. Schwab. I’m done reading it a few days ago. I haven’t opened my Kindle yet to look for a new novel to read. I’m actually waiting for someone to lend me A Clash of Kings because I’m in the mood of reading a book with a lot of deaths in it.

Writing a post of what I want to say but does not really write anything close to what I want to say. If that makes sense.

Listening to Ed Sheeran’s All of the Stars.

Watching  Trolls. I have a baby at home so it’s either an animation movie or Baby TV the whole day.

Thinking of things I don’t want to think about.

Smelling the smell of summer and stress. If such exists.

Wishing for something that only a Fairy Godmother could give me.

Hoping for a calm heart, mind and soul and pocket.

Wearing my usual get up when at home.

Needing rest and rest and rest and rest and rest. Did I just say rest?

Feeling emotionally drained and stressed. Hello, weekend.

-wl, a.

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it’s /ˈflāmi/

i repeat “fley•mi”

If you can’t still say it right, here’s how you should read/pronounce it:

FLEY • MI

All clear?

It irritates me to no end whenever someone mispronounce my daughter’s name. I often hear people say it as FLA • MI, sounds as the “fla” in flower. I know her name is unusual but if you can’t read it correctly, you can always just ask me, right? *makes face*

There was even a time when I was talking with an agent over the phone for her health card, I already said the name as “fley • mi” only to hear her read it back as “fla • mi”. If I were the agent’s QA, she’ll surely get a mark off on active listening. I know there are people who would ask how I say it first but there are others who will not. This rant may sound absurd to you, but believe me you’ll understand me if you have a difficult name to pronounce or you are a mom.

-wl, a

Here’s the latest picture of the little girl at ten months in pigtails, telling you how to say her name correctly:


sunday currently | 01

i want a work from home job, parefer naman

One of the things I scratched from my To Do List when I was putting up this blog is to forget about post memes. I used to have a lot of them on my previous blog because it makes the blog organized especially when I am covering differen topics. I grew tired of boxing everything I write in memes.

So why do this now, you ask? To fill in the space of this blog of course. I’m such a lazy bum when writing these days. I know, I know, I know, I have to build an audience blah, blah, blah—that’s why I’m doing this now, right? As always, don’t expect this to be a regular shenanigan in WLA, just whenever the mood strikes.

CURRENTLY

Reading Game of Thrones. Yes, finally after years of avoiding GoT, here I am. Can somebody lend me the second book? I’m nearly done with the first. 

Writing several blog posts that I hope to finish writing. Like this one.

Listening to my daughter talking my ear off. Babbling vowels, yelling, laughing, and saying dadadaddy all the time. Say mummamyy, daughter!

Watching a number of qAmerican Series, the ones that were on season break for the holidays last year. Done with the first half of Teen Wolf’s Season 6 and the latest episodes of The Flash Season 3. I’m about to continue where I left off with Arrow Season 5, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow Season 2, Magicians Season 1 and 2.

Thinking of what to cook for the next two weeks, of the replacement nanny for my daughter, the household biweekly budget, and baby supplies.

Smelling Baygon’s residue. Hindi ako adik ha? Nagspray lang kasi malamok. Charot.

Wishing I was on a paid vacation, travelling somewhere, hitting the beach, a day without thinking of diapers, milk, budget and stressful work related tasks.

Hoping to get a replacement nanny soon. It’s hard to find a lasting nanny these days. The breed of kasambahay today are not long term material anymore (a few months, if you’re lucky, half a year) unlike the nannies we had back in the 90s – 00s. The shortest stint for a nanny then is 2 years. The longest one we had was 7 years. My nanny, who is about to go, is nice and approachable. Her husband is badgering her to go home to take care of their kids which left me with no choice but to let her go. I asked her to give us time to get a new one before she leaves and I’m glad she agreed. I hope we can get a replacement very soon so all of us can be happy and move on with our lives.

Wearing a comfy pambahay.

Loving Mobile Legends. HAHAHAHA. Deymit, it’s a good stress reliever and a bonding thing I have with beau.

Wanting a new job that will allow me to work from home and that pays well. I don’t have to face traffic every day and I get to see and be with my child most of the day. I might not even need a 24/7 nanny for her then.

Needing a good rest, massage, and a long weekend. I need sleep. With the unpredictable work schedule I have right now and sleeping with my child at night, I need all the sleep I can get.

Feeling tired, worried, and more. Hay. Given all the problems I have to face recently, it’s a challenge to choose joy. My word for this year is proving to be such a difficult word to achieve. Ohmeged, and we’re not even half through the year!

-wl, A.

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