when emotions go unchecked
Being busy forces you not to think beyond what you usually face everyday but being busy does not make it go away. Sooner or later the things you are running away from will catch up on you. The emotions that were left unchecked for a time resurfaces and you’re suddenly overwhelmed of bottled up thoughts, questions, and emotions and whatever things that will come up your mind that you haven’t thought of for a while.
Welcome to my Sunday.
Reading A Conjuring of Lights by V.E. Schwab. I’m done reading it a few days ago. I haven’t opened my Kindle yet to look for a new novel to read. I’m actually waiting for someone to lend me A Clash of Kings because I’m in the mood of reading a book with a lot of deaths in it.
Writing a post of what I want to say but does not really write anything that is close to what I want to say. If that makes sense.
Listening to Ed Sheeran’s All of the Stars.
Watching Trolls. I have a baby at home so it’s either an animation movie or Baby TV the whole day.
Thinking of things I don’t want to think about.
Smelling the smell of summer and stress. If such exists.
Wishing for something that only a Fairy Godmother could give me.
Hoping for a calm heart, mind and soul and pocket.
Wearing my usual get up when at home.
Needing rest and rest and rest and rest and rest. Did I just say rest?
Feeling emotionally drained and stressed. Hello, weekend.
This used to be my favorite month because it’s my birthday month but this year proved otherwise. She’s being a bitch and a major pain the ass. Oh, I can’t wait for January to end.
whispers to self, “grace to choose joy”, repeat
To be fair, my woes for this month started before 2016 ended when my previous nanny didn’t even have the grace to properly tell me she doesn’t want to stay working for me anymore. She only sent me a text message on the 29th of December to look for a replacement when in just a few days I would need to go back to work. I was very pissed. I would never hinder her if she wanted to work somewhere else, all I ask is for her tell me in advance if she doesn’t want to stay anymore so I could look for a replacement before she leaves. If she told me earlier and not with a very short notice, I would have been less agitated and furious. Imagine the stress I had at the beginning of the year thinking of where would I leave my daughter when I have to go work. It was a hellish two weeks.
To add to the stress, office work is not being friendly with all the changes that needs to be implemented immediately. (*drops head on my desk*) Then when I came back to the province to get my daughter, I found out she was sick. We had to get her checked and was on antibiotics for a week. Again, I had to adjust my work schedule to be with her. A few days ago, my phone gave up on me. Yesterday, my eyeglasses broke.
What. The. Hell. January.
Despite of those not so nice events for the past weeks, I know there are a lot of things to be grateful for. I’ll try to list it down:
- I found a new nanny. Hopefully better than the last and with delicadeza this time, please.
- My daughter is well. She recovered easily and is back to being makulit.
- My boss was very understanding with my situation and I was able to have leaves with pay.
- Work is still stressful. I can’t change that but it gave me a new perspective and goals in the future.
- I got a new phone (which is a year overdue).
- I had a new frame for my eyeglasses (a year overdue too).
- The expenses for travelling from the province to work and all my unexpected purchases put a hole on my pocket. I still have work to get those back. It would just take a few more months to save up, again.
- I get to spend time with my parents and siblings longer for the holidays and our town’s fiesta.
- Spent my 30th birthday with them.
It wasn’t all bad, right? I know there are people who are having more problems than I do. Harder struggles. Greater priorities. There are far more things I have to be thankful for even if this year started not very well.
Writing helped. Putting my emotions and thoughts into words made me feel better. We still have a week before January ends but please, please let me have a break.
Thank you Lord for listening when I rant whenver I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Thank you for always reminding me to choose joy and for giving me the grace to do that in Your name.
when your perfect timing is not His perfect timing
One day I was reading my emails in the office when I happen to see the monthly email the corporate recruitment is sending for job openings across all sites. I saw the same position I have now in the site I was considering transferring to two years ago. The only time I was seriously looking for a lateral transfer was in January 2015 when everything that had happened for the past 16 months never crossed my mind. Well, it did though I wasn’t giving it much thought because I didn’t think of it as a possibility. Then again we all know how fate could be funny and mean at the same time, right?
As what I was saying, I wanted to move to Baguio early of 2015 for reasons my closest friends and my readers from Off the Wall knows. I was physically and emotionally drained living in the busy, crazy, fast paced life in Metro Manila for seven years. I was waiting for the right time to move somewhere else, away from the life I built here in the city. That time I wanted so much to just pack my bags and leave but for some reason, I always held back. I would talk myself out of the crazy idea of leaving a secure job and would have a thousand and one reasons of why I should not make hasty decisions. Maybe it’s not what God had intended to happen yet. Maybe in God’s perfect timing, it will.
It never happened. A bunch of things did happen but not the one I was hoping for.
Someone told me, “God sometimes give you what you really need than what you think you need. You may not see the wisdom of it now. Believe me, later on you would.” A friend also said when I mentioned the job opening to her that it wasn’t meant to be.
Seeing that email after everything had changed made me think of what God’s perfect timing really means. He knew that I would jump at the opportunity if I saw this before without thinking of the repercussions of my abrupt decision. At the back of my mind I knew that my wanting of moving away was a result of my cowardice. I was running away from things I don’t want to face back then.
Continue reading “what God’s perfect timing really means”
life and my love for writing
As I’ve mentioned on my old blog, Off the Wall, I’m taking a break from writing and I wouldn’t be using Off the Wall anymore when I get back. After months of my self-imposed semi-online hiatus, I feel like I’m ready to go back to the online world—though maybe not very much.
I wasn’t really totally gone from the net. I’d been a lurker in various social media sites. I know what’s going on around me, whatever viral post is up there, new movies, new books, current events. I wasn’t a total hermit. I still have the occasional Facebook status update, tweets and Instagram post. I just don’t have the energy to engage with anyone online. I was, in some way, offline most of the time. Reachable but unresponsive.
What changed then? A little of everything.
For the past months my sole focus is to put my life back together. I was juggling work, house chores, financial plans, baby and all sorts of domestic stuff, and motherhood all at the same time. It was chaotic for the first few weeks and I thought I won’t get my footing with where my life was at that time.
Continue reading “with love, –A.”